I had a dream….
Actually it was more of a
nightmare!
In my dream I was surrounded by stacks of stuff. At first glance there seemed to be no rhyme
or reason to the stacks. They were just
all around me. Some were neat and tidy
and other stacks seemed to be on the verge of falling over because they were
thrown together in such a haphazard way.
Some stacks were very tall, taller than my head, while others did not
even reach to my knees.
I felt overwhelmed by the stacks and could hardly catch my
breath. I knew that I needed to clean
out these stacks but could not get my bearings on where I should begin. Do I start with a little stack just to get
something done? But that would not make
a dent in this room. Maybe I do a big
stack, that way I could see some progress when I was done. I don’t know.
I see a door; maybe I can go outside and catch my breath first. I make my way to the door, first going around
one stack and then another. I feel like
a rat in a maze but I finally reach the door.
It is locked! I feel frantic and
tug helplessly on the knob. It now has
become imperative to get outside away from all this chaos. I then notice that I have a key hanging
around my neck. I had worn this key for
so long that I had forgotten it was there.
I try it in the lock and it turns.
I hear the tumblers click as beads of perspiration start to drip down my
back. I turn the knob and open the
door. To my horror piles and piles of
things begin to tumble through the door and onto me. I had not found a way out, but a closet door
that was so full that I could not close the door once the things had begun to
fall out on me.
Frantic, I turn and run around and around and then finally
out another door that I find. It had
been open all the time. In my dream
state I realize this must be the door I had used to come into the room in the
first place. I run through and close the
door behind me. Panting I look for a way
to lock the door to that nightmarish place.
It has no lock. And as I back
away from the door it opens and I can see into that ugly room. I pull a chair over and close the door again.
I put the chair in front on it and I then collapse in the chair.
I sit for quite awhile trying to reason out what is going
on, I then get up and go on about my day.
And as dreams are wont to do, I know that time is passing and I go on
with my normal life, but with a chair that is holding a door shut in a place
where it definitely looks out of place. But it must stay there as the door will
open without something holding it shut.
People come to visit and wonder at the oddly placed furniture, I often
bang my shin on the chair in the dark, but life goes on and on.
But every once in awhile stuff seems to seep out of the
room; sometimes only a piece of paper, or an old card or just a bit of
string. When this happens, I quickly
move the chair aside and throw whatever has leaked out quickly back into the
room and close the door and move the chair back to its guard position. It seems that more stuff is finding its way out;
I really need to get a lock for that door.
The dream continues and in my dream I am drawing nearer to
Jesus. I even promise to give Him
everything that I am and tell Him that I will do whatever it takes to draw
closer to Him. I know that this comes
from what I have been learning from reading my Bible and from attending Tiara
Ladies Retreats. I decide it is now time
to tackle the room, that now I will be able to finally put all of it behind me.
I come up with a plan, I will open the door slowly and start
on whatever is closest to the door. That
way I do not have to go into the room, I can stay at the edge. Then as I clean a space I can go further into
the room, but the way behind me will be clear and easy to get out of if I get
overwhelmed.
Okay, I can do this.
I slowly move the chair and open the door. I am waiting for the stuff to start falling
out on me that I have been shoving into the room for the last several weeks or
has it been months, maybe it is even years.
But the door opens easily and there is nothing there. I have to actually walk several feet into the
room before I come to the first stack. I
am confused and as I look at the room I realize it is much bigger than I had at
first realized. Somehow I have stepped
into the Tardis, where the inside is bigger than the outside. I begin to hyperventilate. No, this is too much for me; I cannot
possibly clean this room. I turn to
leave but then the guilt stops me. I had
promised Jesus I would clean out this room for Him and that is what I am going
to do. So, I slowly turn around and take a deep breath and move to the first
pile of stuff.
I realize I have come in unprepared. I go out and quickly
get a garbage bag and a box and come back in and sit down. The bag is for throwing away and the box is
for anything I decide to keep.
Those things that are ugly or hurt to look at go into the
garbage bag. The things that bring a
smile to my face I put into the box. I
have been sorting for a long time and I am still on the first pile. I stand up to stretch and realize I must have
been there for hours as I am hungry and thirsty and need to take a potty
break. I pick up the garbage bag to take
out with me to throw away but it feels very light. I look into the bag and to my horror there is
nothing inside. I look at the bag, even
sticking my hand into the bottom, it is fine there are no holes but it is
empty. Where did all the garbage go that
I had been stuffing into it? I turn and
run for the door, I cannot take this. I
have been working all day and my bag is empty.
As I run for the door I run into a neatly stacked pile of garbage but in
my haste to get out I knock it over and it spills into my clean living
room. This is impossible; there had been
nothing behind me when I had sat down. I
then realize it is the garbage I had been putting into the bag. I rush out the door and try and close it but
it will not close as I had overturned the garbage into the doorway. Frantic and crying I shove it back as quickly
as I can. No, No, this cannot be! Get back in there, I cannot take this
anymore! I slam the door and pull the
chair back to its spot and then collapse into the seat and weep.
God…why? Why is this
so hard? I only wanted to clean this up
so I could be closer to you. I guess it
is just too difficult for me to do; I will just get that lock and forget about
ever cleaning that room. I am a sinner
saved by grace. You knew what you were
getting when you saved me. I cannot
change who I am, I will just have to live with that. Maybe that is what you wanted me learn in the
first place. Everyone will just have to
accept me this way, hidden room and all.
My dream then morphed as dreams tend to do, and it was some
time later. I could not tell if it was
only a matter of days or years, but I knew time had passed. I was still living in the same way, with the
chair in front of the door, but I had rearranged other furniture to make the
chair look more normal in its setting. I
had even thrown a beautiful hand woven blanket over the chair and added a side
table and reading lamp. It was quite a
cozy little corner now. I even liked
sitting in the chair when I read or did needlework. I had not opened the door in a long time,
except to toss something in that I did not want out in the open or to throw
back some random escaped objects.
One day I was sitting in the chair reading my Bible when I
had the distinct impression that the Holy Spirit had something He wanted to
work on in my life. I had been reading
in Timothy how God does not give us a spirit of fear. I thought how odd, I do not have fear in my
life. But the Spirit of God was
insistent and pointed out that I was indeed afraid; afraid of that room that
was right behind me.
That is ridiculous I said softly as I got up to go into the
kitchen for another cup of tea. But when
I went to the cupboard to get teabag things began to fall out of the
cabinet. It was almost like a waterfall,
as one thing after another fell out onto the floor. I could tell in my spirit that these were
things that had been hidden in the room behind the chair. How in the world did they get into the
kitchen? And why did they keep flowing
out of the cupboard and landing at my feet.
My first thought was to grab the garbage can and let them fall into it
while I picked up the stuff off the floor to throw into it as well. But the Holy Spirit stopped me in mid-throw
and softly asked, “What happened the last time you tried to throw some of this
away?” I sobbed out that it only
reappeared somewhere else in the room, it would not stay thrown away. I knew the same was true here…what was I to
do?
I sank to my knees and cried out
to God, “Jesus, please help me, I cannot do this myself”.
Suddenly the peace I had so longed for began to fill my
heart and mind. “Daughter, I was only
waiting for you to give up so we could begin to work together to clean up this
mess. I know what needs to be done and
where the best place to start and how to proceed. I have a purpose for your life, let me bring
that to pass in your life”. I wept tears
of gratitude as I repented of my stubbornness.
You see, every time before I figured I had made the mess so it was up to
me to clean it up. I was too embarrassed
to ask the Lord to do it for me. Finally
I was beginning to realize, I do not have the strength to clean up the messes I
have made in my life; nor the wisdom to know where to even start. This is work for the Holy Spirit. I grabbed a chair and asked, “Where do I
start?” With the Spirit guiding me we
cleared the mess in the kitchen.
Truthfully, it was easy once I learned to listen to the leading of the
Spirit and not try and control what was being done.
Some of the things went directly into the garbage can
without even being looked at, but others the Spirit had me take some time to
look at them as He spoke to me of the lesson they had taught me before I threw
them away. Some were beautiful and I
wanted to keep them out, but the Spirit directed me to put them in a box of
keepsakes. I knew there may come a time
in the future to bring them out again to look at. Others were still a little painful, but I was
now able to look at them without the fear they had once caused. Some things I was directed to put on the
shelf so I could see them daily and be reminded of the grace and mercy I had
received in order to pass through that part of my life.
Once the mess was cleared I sat there and praised my God for
His tender mercies. I asked if there was
more to do, if I had to go into the room behind the chair and the Spirit
replied in the affirmative. There is always
more to do my child, but for today you have done that which you were supposed
to do. Stay close to me and I will let
you know when we will begin on what is behind that door. But know this, by being obedient to me today
when we go into that room there will be a lot less in there than when you
closed, locked and barricaded the door. Your fear had made the room big but now
your faith will make the room appear small.
Just do not try to handle it on your own, no matter how small it
becomes, it cannot be conquered without my guiding and directing you each and
every step of the way.
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